it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
