We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
