He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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