i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
