Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
