I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my being single is dangerous.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
