I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
