genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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