btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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