you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
