are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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