I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
