you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
