I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
