Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Randomize
