Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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