i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
