I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize