I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
