What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
