I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
