I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
