That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
