i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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