you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
