saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
