which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
