Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
so much tequila, so little girl.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
