the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
