Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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