On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
whose parrot is this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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