Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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