I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
