Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
