Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
