Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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