So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
