I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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