My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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