Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Randomize
