Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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