trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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