does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
