Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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