i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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