he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
