forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
