...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Randomize
