I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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