so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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