When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
