just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
