I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
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I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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