Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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