U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
it's great music for shaving your balls
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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