I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize