Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
