Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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